According to My Righteousness

You might be tired of hearing me say that I am struggling. I seem to be struggling emotionally a lot. In fact, I am a little sick of it myself. But I have been realizing over the past little while that everyone's journey is different, some struggle more than others, and it is not about what people think of me, but what God does.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

This being said, I have been struggling. Part of my struggle is that I want to be near to God, I want to be close to Him, but when it comes down to it in my day, there are two options, read the bible or play a game, I choose play a game. And then I get mad at myself for that at the end of the day, and the next day goes the exact same way.

One day I was feeling the burden of this very badly, so I picked up my bible and read Psalm 18. (without knowing what it was about first)

In case you don't know Psalm 18 by memory, it starts like this, 

I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies. The pangs of death surrounded me, And the floods of ungodliness made me afraid. The sorrows of Sheol surrounded me; The snares of death confronted me. (Psalms 18:1-5)

I was feeling this. In the same words I used when talking about this to my cousin, "This is me." The struggle was feeling like the pangs of death because I knew if I did not seek God I would fall away from Him. I knew I was choosing death over life. I kept reading,

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. (Psalms 18:6)

Since I was relating so well to the earlier part, I took this part to heart. I had called out to God in my distress. He had heard me.

 Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies. From the brightness before Him, His thick clouds passed with hailstones and coals of fire. The Lord thundered from heaven, And the Most High uttered His voice, Hailstones and coals of fire. He sent out His arrows and scattered the foe, Lightnings in abundance, and He vanquished them. Then the channels of the sea were seen, The foundations of the world were uncovered At Your rebuke, O Lord, At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils. (Psalms 18:7-15)

Wow. This part just reminded me how mighty and powerful God is, and this wrath that it is describing here, is not something you want to mess with. AND, this anger is on my behalf. That was the craziest part, because of the struggle that I was having, God was angry.

He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. (Psalm 18:16)

Again, I was translating this to myself.

  He delivered me from my strong enemy, From those who hated me, For they were too strong for me.They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But the Lord was my support. (Psalm 18:17-18)

AGAIN, this was exactly how I felt. "For they were too strong for me," was practically my own thoughts on paper. I was too weak to fight this. But then there was a promise, "But the Lord was my support."

He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19)

He delights in me! Me! Even though I was struggling to just seek Him, He still saved me because He delighted in me. This was making me so grateful, so amazed, so in awe...but then, I read the next part.

The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness; According to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me. (Psalm 18:20)

Come on. The whole reason I was struggling in the first place was because I was NOT righteous. All of the previous happiness caused by the other verses was shattered. It only got worse.

For I have kept the ways of the Lord, And have not wickedly departed from my God. For all His judgments were before me, And I did not put away His statutes from me^. I was also blameless before Him, And I kept myself from my iniquity. Therefore the Lord has recompensed me according to my righteousness, According to the cleanness of my hands in His sight. (Psalm 18:21-24)

I don't know what made me think this, I guess it was God, but all of a sudden I remembered someone saying the words, "Jesus is my righteousness."

I read verse 24 again with that perspective, as though when it says 'my righteousness,' it is saying 'Jesus.'

That was so amazing. And so true. That was the whole purpose for which He died, so that we would not have to be recompensed according to our own righteousness because our righteousness would never be enough.

Look back at those verses, 21-24, read them all again with that thought. That is what I did. As though the things he is claiming are things Jesus is claiming of Himself. It is all totally true.

By the time I got to the bottom I was overwhelmed with a new sense of gratefulness, that Jesus would die to be my righteousness. And when I read the end of verse 24 again, According to the cleanness of my hands in His sight. I remembered another saying that I have heard many times, that when Jesus is your savior, when God looks at you He doesn't see sinful you, but perfect Jesus.

When He looks at me, He sees clean hands, and a pure heart, because that is what My Righteousness gave me.