New Years Thoughts

"Surrender to God's plan."

What does that even mean?

I don't know God's plan! I keep asking Him about His plan, but so far, I've heard nothing.

"It's okay that you don't know," I tell myself. "He doesn't expect you to have life all figured out. Just rest in the fact that He knows. Just surrender to His will."

I breathe a sigh of relief. Oh good. All I have to do is surrender.

Shoot.

HOW??

I've been taught since I was a young child to make goals. Dream big, and chase those dreams. Break it down into steps, you don't just jump and hope you touch the moon, you build a rocket ship.

But sometimes I get conflicted. What if what I want is not what God wants?

What if in chasing my dreams, I am not surrendering?

Many times, I have asked myself the question, "If God wanted you to give up your dreams, would you be okay with that?"

A few times, I have been horrified to discover that I hated the thought. I really did want my dreams more than God, but because I want to want God more than my dreams, He always wins.

Most often, I'm pretty okay with giving all of it up. I just want Jesus, whatever that comes with.

But in either scenario, I have tried to fully and completely surrender my life to Him, and wait for His direction, and you know what He does? Nothing. So you know what I do? Nothing.

But because He created me with a brain, I know that something is wrong with this picture. So usually I get back on my feet and start chasing my dreams again, hoping He'll show me a plan to surrender to.

So what do you do? Surrender, or chase your dreams? 

I was reading an article yesterday which talked about not chasing your dreams, but instead surrendering to Jesus, but something just seemed off. The way I put it to myself in my head was, "The answer is somewhere in the middle. We can debate about chasing our dreams, or surrendering to God's plan, but I think He really wants us to chase His plan."

You see... When I ask, "God, what do you want me to do with my life?" He either doesn't answer me, or tells me something like, 

Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in Me. (John 15:4)

Last year at New Years, God gave me a verse for the year. I've never had a verse for a year before, so it was really cool, and I am hoping for a new one for 2017, but 2016's was Proverbs 3:5-6.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.

That promise gave me a lot of comfort, being the one who just wants to KNOW.

I kept going back to it over the whole year, and I've come to the conclusion that He has been directing my paths. It hasn't been like receiving instruction, but I have chased my dreams, being careful to acknowledge Him in all my ways, and I have not been hindered.

If in every way you are acknowledging God as you chase your dreams, I believe He will let you know if they are wrong. If He doesn't, keep going. Pursue them, (acknowledge Him) work hard, (acknowledge Him) strive, (acknowledge Him) motivate yourself, (acknowledge Him) and that's called chasing His plan.

Tomorrow is the start of a brand new year. It's a chance to start chasing again with renewed determination.

But what will you chase, my friend? Or rather, how will you chase it?

Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, but be afraid of the way you follow them. Do it with the intent of chasing God's plan.

You can't follow God down a path that He hates. He just won't go there. So if you're following Him, you can trust that wherever you're going is where He wants you.

Here's to a great 2017!

It's Not My Option

"My sweet Jesus was not nailed to a cross for me to feel good about my brokenness, for my hurting heart to feel comforted, for my guilt to be pleasantly balmed.

My sweet Jesus was not nailed to a cross for me to periodically acknowledge that there is always someone there who loves me, while still living in my sin."

-Melissa, My Sweet Jesus Blog

I read this last night, and felt very convicted.

Sometimes I am all amazed at the grace of Jesus, knowing He has completely cleansed me and made me whole, yet I hold onto the picture of myself that is broken and wanting.

Somehow I think that if I see myself as dirty and sinful, (even if I am technically not because Jesus has healed me) I am being more humble, or a better saint.

Maybe this is because I admire people who admit that they struggle, and I look up to a lot of people who have dealt with issues of self-worth.

I convince myself that I should look down on myself, that to actually believe what Jesus says of me would be to somehow lose the greatness of His transformation.

This really doesn't make sense, because if He really has transformed me, I shouldn't be living like I haven't been transformed. I SHOULD be new, I SHOULD be different.

If people want to see the change, they should look to my past compared to my present, not somehow my present compared to my future.

This sounds so silly when I write it down, but it honestly is how I feel a lot of the time.

But yesterday, I felt a very freeing conviction.

Wholeness, freedom, purity, holiness, it's not my privilege.

Okay, it is my privilege, but it's not my option.

When I surrendered my life to Jesus, I didn't just surrender the right to sin, I also surrendered the right to choose who I want to be.

I asked Him to make me like Him, I want Him to make me like Him, so I can't tell myself lies about who He has said I am.

Even if I like it. Even if I enjoy calling myself worthless because if gives me a feeling of humility. It's false humility. It's actually sin for me to dwell there, because God has given me a place to dwell, and I am abandoning it to live in the shell of what sin had given me.

Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5:1)

The command here is just that. A command. It's not an option. DO NOT be entangled again with a yoke of bondage! You don't have to, so don't.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. (II Corinthians 5:17 NKJV)

The Last Week

My next blog post will be written after a week at home.

Time flies! I can't believe these two months are nearly over. This has been an amazing experience.

But I'm still here, and we're still busy, so I'll tell you about it.

We finished our room! I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that we were painting it. Well, we finished it, but then we decided it needed a little sprucing up. 

White walls are a little boring, you know, and it's Christmas, and we had all of this leftover paint-splattered lime green tape from the walls, so we figured, what better use for it? It became bows of varying sizes stuck onto the walls, (I highly recommend decorating with tape, by the way, the stickiness is very handy) and a little something extra on the mistletoe ball. And a lightswitch decoration. And a candle decoration. And a random massive ball hanging from the ceiling. It's like duct tape, it has a million purposes!

So, to the tune of Christmas Song by Alvin and the Chipmunks, our proud teacher and hostesses were introduced to our masterpiece. There wasn't a dry eye in the house, they were so moved.

Okay, they didn't cry. But they did say it was unique. That should count for something.

So what shall I tell you of next?

Should I talk about the baby carrot, the crazy trick I almost learned, or Niagara on the Lake?

Those are all great stories, but I think I'll just talk about Niagara on the Lake today.

Neither myself nor my sisters had ever been to Niagara on the Lake, so Rachel and Carolyn (if you don't know who they are by now, they're my sister and second cousin/dance teacher) decided it was an outing that had to happen before we left.

We went on Thursday, which was right after a huge snowfall Wednesday evening. The weather was clear, but the snow was still everywhere, it was BEAUTIFUL. It was like the picture of Christmas.

After looking through the first shop, where I fell in love with more than one overpriced teabox and travel mug, we were met by the others in our group bearing peace on earth and good will toward men. Chai lattes for all.

We moved on and had a splendid time looking through all the shops. I tried on a blue hat with a peacock feather on it, and wished I had money to spend on all kinds of teacups, jewelry, and other things.

We walked into the Scottish shop, and I wished my whole family was there. I picked out items I'd love to buy for my dad, my brother, and my sister.

It's a good thing I'm not rich. But when I'm in a Scottish shop, it doesn't seem like such a terrible idea.

We also found a chocolate bar as big as my leg, if not bigger. It was fabulous.

However, there was a certain point in our journeys when I found something I wanted to buy.

After I overcame my fear of talking to the cashier, I was then faced with my insecurity of being the only one who had made a purchase.

"It's okay," I told myself. "They'll buy stuff too, they just haven't found anything yet."

Well, we move onto the next store, and what should I see but the PERFECT gift for someone else, sitting right in front of my nose, and at an affordable price.

AAHHH!!! My emotions. I wanted to buy it, but I didn't want to make ANOTHER purchase when no one else had bought anything yet! Well, in the end, I overcame my insecurity, (or at least pressed it down for a bit, it came back later) and bought it as well.

I am still amazed at myself for doing such a daring thing. TWICE! #noshame #butdontjudgeme #orImighthavesomeshame

As I conclude my last post of this trip, I'm just going to say that God has been so good to me. I've gone through a wide variety of emotions while being here, I've had moments of frustration and encouragement, sadness and joy, loneliness and lovedness, (that's a poor way to say it, but I can't think of how else to phrase that) discomfort and comfortableness, but I have never felt strained.

God told me at the beginning of this adventure that He meant it as a resting place for me, and though I've been challenged, I've never felt pushed. Though I've given of myself, I've never felt spent, and though I've been stressed, there has never been an absence of peace.

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

I feel very much refreshed, and better equipped to go home and take up the cross that awaits me there.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. (Matthew 16:24)

But in my last few days, I'm still leaning back and letting God work. We have our last performance on Sunday, and a huge rehearsal tomorrow, which is why I'm posting this early.

I just...ahh. I want to tell you all about how good Jesus is. How sweet it is to just relax and be where He is. But really, I can't tell you, I need to learn it still. Please learn it with me though, because I know that it is wonderful, and you will never spend your time better.

I woke up at 3:30 a couple nights ago, and saw that the fire had gone out. (our fireplace is across from the couch where I sleep) So I got up and went to build it again, and as I rose off of the couch, I realized, "Me and Jesus are the only ones up right now." 

I just decided to focus on Him, and build the fire with the awareness that He was with me, watching me. Helping me, I believe, because that fire started beautifully, and I am not good at it on the first try.

When I went and laid down again, I looked at it with satisfaction, and just had this feeling that He was enjoying it too.

“As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My love. (John 15:9)

The Call that Kept Calling

On Tuesday, December 6th, my Grandpa passed away.

As one of the younger grandchildren, I didn't know him as well as a lot of my siblings and cousins, so I don't have a whole blog post full of memories and feelings to write, but I wanted to share something that has really meant a lot to me.

My grandparents influenced a LOT of people. I think they saw a lot of fruit from their labor, but I'm sure a lot of fruit was never seen by them, and sometimes they saw fruit from labor they never saw.

What I mean by that is simply that God works in so many ways, and when people are following Him and open to being used by Him, He can use them in situations in which they can't even see Him working.

One of those times was 6 years ago, when he talked with his 11 year old granddaughter on the phone, on her birthday.

Grandpa always called us on our birthdays, I was happy to talk to him. He asked if I wanted him to start giving out $200 to people on their birthdays, I joked along and said yes.

But then he said something I don't think I'll ever forget.

"My eleventh year was a huge growing year for me spiritually," he told me. He said some more, something along the lines of it being a huge turning point and he grew really close to God that year.

I was really mad at him for saying that.

What he didn't know, was that I had started into the darkest season of my life a year earlier. Everything had been getting steadily worse, and I knew, going into my eleventh year, that it was going to be even worse.

I was purposely turning my back on God, and I did NOT want that kind of reminder. I didn't let on, I said something polite and tried to change the subject.

This dark season continued for the next two years. I became a Christian when I was 13, but before that, God never stopped calling me.

When I look back, I see SO many ways God called me during those three years, and one of the ways He continued to use was that memory.

It came back to me many, many times, and I remember thinking about that with so much regret when I became a Christian. God opened my eyes to the amount of people who had been praying for me, even though no one knew what I was struggling through, and He impressed it on me that my grandparents had prayed for me a lot.

I am so, so grateful for my grandparents.

I wiah I could tell my grandpa how much that phone call means to me now, but I can't. By the time I overcame my fear of telling anyone about that time in my life, he had developed alzheimers. If I told him, he wouldn't remember the phone call, and he might not even remember me.

But I look forward to seeing him someday when we're both in the company of our favorite person, and I can look into the face of the One who called me into relationship with Himself, and one of the ones He used to get my attention.

Therefore I exhort first of all that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks be made for all men, (I Timothy 2:1)

Celebrations!

Family, laughter, lights, music, decorations, fresh baking, apple cider...

Christmas.

This week we have OFFICIALLY gotten into the Christmas spirit.

We went back to Windsor to visit our grandpa who is in the hospital, and got to spend a few days at home. There was no pretense, home was home, exactly as it always is. Chaos.

Christmas decorations had started to make their way up, amidst leftover harvest decorations, the messiness that naturally follows seven kids coming home within a few days of each other, and wedding preparation.

We went to our church on Sunday, and there was no pretense there either. The moment I stepped foot in the doors, I was greeted by a hearty, "Hey! Can you do the slides for me?" Yup. Home.

When we got back to our home away from home, we all went out to buy Christmas decorations and a tree, and then came back to fresh cinnamon buns, apple cider, and a decorating party. It was lovely.

But who just has ONE Christmas party? Christmas is a season! I believe in taking full advantage of it, and thankfully, so does my family. So the next day we had Part 2, which was also great.

After that, we drove to Michigan on Friday for my sister Becky's wedding. But there is never an end to entertainment!

We had packed these oranges to eat on the road. So maybe two hours into our trip, we got them out and passed them around. I started to peel mine, and had a suspicion that something was off when all I saw was brown under the skin. I peeled a little more, but this orange just looked quite sketchy.

...yeah, I just won't finish that story. If anyone is a little squeamish, you won't want to hear it. So we ended up throwing that one out, but then, a few hours later, we discovered two extra oranges! Yay! "Now I'll get one!" I naively thought.

Yeah, that one was rotten too. Mine were the ONLY two that were rotten, I might add.

Anyway, the rehearsal went smoothly, the only thing was that the venue was FRIGID.

No worries though, they were putting heaters in. Well, as we were about to leave for the hotel, we breathed in the sweet smell of propane. Apparently the heaters had a gas leak. Typical.

But the wedding was WONDERFUL. Everything was beautiful, it all went smoothly, I had some good dances and meaningful chats, and gained a fantastic brother.

(also, I just thought this verse was appropriate for the wedding. God loves celebrations.)

Then he said to them, “Go your way, eat the fat, drink the sweet, and send portions to those for whom nothing is prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Nehemiah 8:10)

P.S. Have you ever lain with your head underneath a Christmas tree? You should try it sometime, it's very relaxing. I learned this from my oldest sister, who, I have realized as of late, I have learned a TON of stuff from over the years. She is very wise.

P.P.S. Have you ever caught little pieces of paper with chopsticks as they came raining down from above? This I learned from my other sister, the one who just got married. She is also very wise, and knows how to start good Christmas traditions. Even if those traditions don't actually get off the ground. It was still fun while it lasted.