This is what I have felt like since Sunday morning. The inability to express what is going on within me.
It's even worse, because normally if I can't tell you how I feel, I can at least tell you WHY I feel this way, but this time I can only tell you the latter part of it.
The beginning is a story that I don't fully understand, I wouldn't be able to describe it because I don't even really know what it was. All I can tell you is that I should have loved God more, I should have sought God more, but I didn't, and I was left with a lot of unnecessary confusion and emptiness.
I wish I could elaborate even a little more to tell you when this started, but again, I have no idea.
It isn't that I fell away from being a Christian, or something like that, I just lacked motivation to do much about my faith for a while. So my bible collected more dust than it should have, and when I would talk about God with people I would get this little pang of guilt telling me that I was neglecting Him at heart.
Anyway, that is the beginning. The second half begins with a little bit of history.
As most of you know, I have been saving up money for ballet lessons for years and years. Recently I have been hearing a lot of talk from bible teachers about giving above and beyond ten percent of your increase, your tithe.
My first thought when this topic would come up would be that I don't have consistent income, and I'm saving for ballet, so I can't give more than 10%. My thought immediately following would be that I am so selfish and stingy, and I need to believe that God can provide for me, so I should give above and beyond. I shouldn't even put limits on it, cause that is stingy. I need to give it ALL. Every penny to my name.
But that's not even wise... Would be the next thought, and that's true. If I were supporting myself, you could make the case that living by faith doesn't have to be "financially sound," but as I am not, giving away all of my money would simply mean that every expense I have in the future, my parents or my siblings would have to pay for, and I don't think that is what God is asking of me.
So anyway, a few days ago I was at a bible study where this came up again. I asked the leader my question, told him my problem, and he said he didn't know, but that I should pray. Make sure that my heart is in the right place, and be willing to give everything if that was what God wanted from me.
After the study I talked with my older sister who shared some wisdom with me, and after talking to her, I felt more at peace about it. (I am still praying about it, but I felt less stressed.) A verse that she shared with me during that conversation was "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart."
The next day, Sunday morning, I was sitting in the church pew and a gentleman that I don't know well came up to me. My initial thought was that he was going to talk to me about ushering, since I was ushering that day, and well, why else would he be talking to me?
But he handed me an envelope and said, "Can you hold this?" Oh, I see. He wants me to put it into the offering plate for him for some reason. "That's for you." When those words finally set in, he had walked back to his seat already, and church had started.
Looking down at the envelope in my hands, I read, "To: Keturah - Psalm 37:4"
Hands shaking, I opened my bible and turned to that verse. I had to hold back tears as I read "Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
I didn't look inside it until the end of the service, but I knew what was inside. I could hardly concentrate the whole time through the music and the sermon, I was having to hold back tears.
Really? Why?
Not only was it so cool that it happened right after I had that talk with the bible study leader and my sister, I felt so blown away that a gift like that would be given to me when I had been not seeking God for so long.
The verse said "Delight yourself also in the Lord," but although I would like to say I had done that... I hadn't really for a long time. I felt like that gift should have been for someone else.
But it wasn't. It was given to me.
It reminded me again of God's gift of His Son. I am the last one to deserve it, and yet...God wants me to have it. He gave it to me, fully aware of who I was and what I had done.
So the end of the story is that I have been blown away AGAIN, by the same story of love that amazes me all the time.
God encouraged me in my pursuit of my dream, to become a dancer. But even more than that, He encouraged me to follow Him again, to take up my cross and run the race for the joy that is before me.
Once again I stand amazed at the feet of Jesus. Even after blessing me with money for ballet lessons, if He wants me to lay down that career, I would do it, because He is worth more than any treasure I could store up for myself on earth.
