God Said No.

I thought I had been waiting for four months. God knew I had been waiting for nine years.

I am eighteen. I've gathered that the teen years are pretty tough for most people, so I think it shouldn't be a surprise that I just went through one of the hardest times of my life so far.

If you know me, you probably know that for about nine years, I have been working toward the goal of being a professional ballerina. My goal was never to join the American Ballet Theater or the Royal Ballet, I always wanted to use it in ministry.

However, if you know me a little bit better, you probably know that these nine years have not been easy. My body type is FAR from ideal for ballet, my brain doesn't pick things up quickly, and I started when I was nine, or sixteen....depending on what you call "starting." I would say that I really "started" when I was sixteen.

I have never doubted God's power or faithfulness, I knew that none of these things were obstacles for Him, if He wanted me to do ballet.

IF is the key word there.

I didn't know if He wanted me to, but I wanted to, so I tried, and kept trying. For years, I prayed and prayed again for direction, if He didn't want me in ballet, that's fine, I just need to know that.

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalms‬ ‭139:23-24‬)

“For You are my rock and my fortress; Therefore, for Your name’s sake, Lead me and guide me.” (Psalms‬ ‭31:3‬)

I never received clear direction. At the same time though, my desire for ballet ministry never dwindled, so I kept on pursuing, HOPING God was in support.

One of the ways I prayed for direction was through a person, I thought I would be able to understand God better if He actually SPOKE to me, (however unlikely I knew that was) I was worried that if He put obstacles in my path to try to give me direction, I would take them as challenges to overcome.

“Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”
‭‭(Romans‬ ‭8:37‬)

Trust me, it happened. I heard people tell me I would never make it: I ignored them. I had no source of income: I started a business, got a job, and started several fundraising campaigns. I got injured: I worked around it until it healed and then worked really carefully to restore my flexibility.

About four months ago, someone I really trust and respect showed me very lovingly what I already knew, that my body wasn't built for professional ballet, and short of a miracle, wouldn't ever become that way.

"Well, the Lord has finally spoken," I thought to myself, and resigned myself to the reality that that was the end.

We had dance camp coming up in August, so I'd do that, but that would close that area of my life forever.

Almost everyone I told this to, (because I was PRETTY upset) tried to tell me that even if I wasn't built for professional ballet, I could maybe still do it for recreation. Or in some other ministry capacity. Maybe I would become a teacher, or go into a kind of dance that is not ballet.

However... I hated these ideas, I had thought them all through before I told anyone, and I was sure that if God had placed a desire in me that He wanted to yet fulfil, He wouldn't choose to fulfil it in a way that I hated.

“Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!” (Matthew‬ ‭7:9-11‬)

I spent the next four months crying nearly every day, I found it so hard to enjoy life the way I am used to enjoying it.

When August came along, dance camp week was...so hard. I don't really know how to describe the kind of emotional turmoil I was going through, and it felt silly, like I shouldn't have cared that much, but I did.

At the beginning of the week, our bible teacher asked us to write down two questions for God. My first one was the number one thing on my mind, "How can I recover from this?"

I did NOT want to "heal" from my hurt, but feel like a wound reopened every time I watched ballet. I wanted to keep loving ballet, but I didn't see how I could, if I couldn't do it.

But God did not answer that question. In fact, it seemed much like He was ignoring it.

Instead, I kept hearing things in bible study, in workshops, in morning session and in my own devotions, that seemed to be saying, "This door isn't closed." It felt like God was challenging my assumption that I had to give up ballet in the first place. I say assumption, because that was how He was treating it, even though it seemed pretty set in stone to me.

Finally, I accepted the fact that He was challenging that assumption. My question changed from "How can I recover?" to "What was on Your heart when You first introduced me to ballet?"

That is when it struck me, or I suppose God spoke to me, that He had a purpose, and He still had a purpose. And if He had a purpose, then it didn't matter if I hated that idea, I needed to make sure that my attitude was one of submission. Whatever road He wanted to take me down with ballet, I need to acknowledge that that is His choice, and His right.

That moment when this all came together in my mind was one of the most freeing moments of my life.

It may seem weird that I was freed by submitting to Him even when it might mean doing something I hate the thought of, but what freed me was the realization that God WAS supporting me in ballet.

After YEARS of asking if He was and never receiving an answer, when I TRIED to quit and He said no... He said no!

I never knew God saying no could be SO fulfilling!

“There are many plans in a man’s heart, Nevertheless the LORD’s counsel—that will stand.” (Proverbs‬ ‭19:21‬)

I hated those other ideas because it was my idea that I wanted to do for God, and I felt like I failed if I compromised. But if it's God's idea, He's not compromising! If it's God's idea, I don't have to worry anymore! If it's God's idea, He will provide, He will lead me, and He will not give me a bad gift, because He is a good Father.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning.” (James‬ ‭1:17‬)

I actually feel more peace now than I did before this hard, hard summer hit. Because even though back then I had a goal to work towards, I never knew if God was leading it, or if it was just me doing my own thing. It's so much more peaceful knowing that the goal I am working towards is one that God set, not me.