Years ago, I was in a really bad way. I was struggling with issues that I kept to myself, no one knew. If anyone suspected, they certainly never let on.
There were a couple times when I felt so overwhelmed and burdened by these struggles, that I almost told someone.
One day I was wrestling with it in my mind and feeling overpowered, I suddenly whispered, "Bethany." (the person wasn't named Bethany, but I'm using that instead of her name) She was busy, she just said, "Hmm?" Without looking at me.
I couldn't tell her! I was shaking with fear, I needed her to understand that I was in trouble, and ask me about it. I desperately wanted her to SEE that I needed to be pried into. But she didn't. In my last attempt at courage, I said her name again, but she looked over sort of exasperatedly, and said, "What?"
"Never mind."
I have learned that in the sea of people who may or may not claim to be fine, there are many with stories that they need to tell, but can't, because no one will listen.
I realized this from my own experience, (as I mentioned) and from a few other things. One of them was working at McDonalds, believe it or not.
Countless people walk up to the counter, or pull up to the drive-thru speaker, and say, "Hi, how are you? I would like..."
"How are you?" Is a meaningless question. Most of us don't even try to answer, because we know our answer won't be heard. EVERYONE says they are good, well, fine, and EVERYONE knows that most of the time it isn't true, but who cares enough to find out the truth?
Who cares enough to find out what I really mean when I say I'm fine?
I know I can't be this for everyone. It's a little hard to have a heart-to-heart in the drive-thru, but I do want to be someone who will learn to recognize the silent pleas in people's words.
In a few short days, I'll be heading off to Florida for the Genocide Awareness Project, (GAP) a week of pro-life activism on university campuses.
Last year I talked with a girl named "Dee." Her name was actually a beautiful name (I think African) which I can pronounce, but I don't dare spell.
She and I talked extensively on the issue, and through science and logic, had to come to agreement time after time throughout our conversation. But no matter how much we agreed on, she COULD not say that in the case of rape, abortion shouldn't be allowed.
Near the end of the conversation, I tried to put into action some training we receive when we do GAP, about listening to people and finding out where they are coming from.
Because I couldn't agree with her intellectually, I decided to find out what was going on with her emotionally. I started by affirming her.
"I'm glad you can sympathize so much with people who go through that, (rape) we need more people with hearts like yours." I told her.
"Yeah. I just feel so bad for them, y'know?" She met my eyes and I'm sure I saw tears glistening in hers.
I was speechless. I knew I had been right, that there was something more there, but I lost all ability to communicate beyond that point. What could I say? What could I ask?
I just looked at her for a few more minutes before she told me she needed to get to class. She hugged me and thanked me for talking with her.
I felt like on the one hand, I had made a friend. On the other hand, I had lost an opportunity. I have, SO many times, had that scene replay in my mind. I can still see the tears that I think were in her eyes as she told me, "I just feel so bad for them, y'know?"
No, I don't know, Dee. What was it you wanted me to know? I'm sorry I was never able to find out.
Part of what I am looking forward to this year at GAP, is hopefully another chance. Another chance to hear what people are saying, and understand something different, because I was willing to listen.
But I think this must mostly be up to God. Though I don't think I made the most of that situation, what I did do, I didn't do on my own, and what more I could have done, I couldn't have done on my own either.
I need my Father, who hears EVERY silent plea, to help me hear and know how to respond.
If you would pray for my trip, pray for these things.
1. That lives would be saved.
2. That lives would be changed.
3. That I would be able to listen, and have the wisdom to know how to respond.
