I love prayer meetings. At least in theory.
I love the idea of the "core of the church" getting together on a regular basis to pray. I have been to lots of prayer meetings, I've stayed silent in most of them, and slept through a couple.
In every prayer gathering I've been to I have always felt a sense of, "If you're new, no worries! You don't have to pray out loud." I have wholeheartedly accepted this and avoided praying out loud like the plague, my only fear was that at some point, I would not be new anymore, and then I would have no excuse.
(Let me just clarify that I know praying, whether aloud or silently, is just talking to God. I have a strange aversion to small groups though, even more so than large ones. I am not nervous to speak publicly, or pray publicly, in front of 200 people. I am VERY afraid to speak publicly, or pray publicly, in front of 5.)
There were always a few comfortable weeks, until my conscience (or maybe just self-consciousness) would start nagging, and I couldn't feel right until I attempted some sort of audible prayer, however uncomfortable about it I felt.
I acknowledged that it was good for me, so I continued to love prayer meetings. (In theory.) In reality I was scared stiff every time I went, and felt anxious about praying until I had prayed, which was usually near the end of the night. So I wasted most of the time worrying, and then I would waste the rest of the time feeling bad about how short, or how stupid, or how vague, or how seemingly pretentious my prayer had been.
This is where my little story begins. For the past while I have been going to a new prayer meeting, which I love, but it has been slowly creeping into my consciousness that at some point I would have to drag myself up to the microphone and pray. At least with a microphone that scared me half to death, my prayer (or plea) was sure to be sincere.
Last night, we were reading in 2 Corinthians 4, and something stood out to me.
...But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully, but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man's conscience in the sight of God. But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost: In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them. (2 Corinthians 4:2-4)
The part of this that stuck out to me was verse 3, "But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost."
I had just been reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, and he had just been addressing humility, and how truly humble people do not look down on themselves, they don't look at themselves at all, they look at God.
As I read it, the thought came to me that those who look on God reflect what this passage calls "the glorious gospel of Christ," to those around them. In fact it is such an automatic reaction that if people don't see the image of God and the gospel in them, it is only because the devil has specifically blinded them to it.
Now obviously God can remove blinders, and we can pray for removal of those blinders, but when people are not seeing the gospel in us, is it the blinders that are hindering people from seeing the reflection, or is it that we are not looking on God?
I loved this insight, and a passing thought came through my mind, "This is actually something I could share if I wanted to."
But my "passing thought," didn't pass. Suddenly the terrifying thought that God might actually be telling me to share it came to my mind. Oh no.
My sister Rachel got up and went to the microphone, she shared something which actually tied in really well to what I had on my heart. I remembered that a few months ago God was showing me that unity of the body was so important because the way He speaks to the body is by speaking in patterns to individuals. If those individuals never shared what He was saying, the body would never understand the full picture. If I didn't share what I had, they wouldn't hear it from someone else.
I tried every escape route I could think of. I tried getting into the worship, the song said "Show me how to love like You have loved me."
Jesus' ministry, aside from dying for us, was about coming and revealing the Father, showing the real image of God. If this wasn't an act of love, what is? Show me how to love like that, we sang.
It was as if Jesus said to me, "Like that? Like I did when I looked only at my Father, and His image was shown to the world? Like I just told you about, where you look only at Me and the truth automatically is shown to those around? Like you could be doing right now with what I just showed you?"
I tried the reasoning that I was too weak. My subconscious told me that if God was calling me even though I was too weak, He would remind me of a bible character who did it despite being unqualified, but nope. He took me again to the revelation He had just given me, that those who look ONLY at God, the gospel will show through. In declaring myself too weak, I was not only not looking at God, but I was "walking in craftiness," and "handling the word of God deceitfully."
I tried running out of time. "God," I prayed, if you are calling me, please provide me with a clear opening to speak." Just then, the leader of the meeting God up to speak. I breathed a sigh of relief, and felt a slight pang of guilt, the meeting was ending.
Psych! He prayed and sat back down. The music continued. There was an opening.
"Okay," I thought, "Clearly I have to do this. But I don't even know what I'm talking about!" Everything had stressed me out so much that I couldn't even figure out how I had arrived at my conclusions. I had 1 Corinthians 4:2-4, but that didn't really speak to the "looking at God" thing. I couldn't remember any scriptures to support it in my muddle-headedness, I had only Mere Christianity to lean on, and I've always opposed theology backed only by extra-biblical books.
I looked up, and 2 Corinthians 3:18 sat before me.
But we all, with open face beholding as in a glass the glory of the Lord, are changed into the same image from glory to glory, even as by the Spirit of the Lord.
I had more than enough evidence that God was calling me to the front of the room, but I still couldn't bring myself to go. I looked again at my bible and kept reading in 2 Corinthians 4.
We having the same spirit of faith, according as it is written, I believed, and therefore have I spoken; we also believe, and therefore speak; Knowing that He which raised up the Lord Jesus shall raise up us also by Jesus, and shall present us with you. For all things are for your sakes, that the abundant grace might through the thanksgiving of many redound to the glory of God. For which cause we faint not: but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:13-18)
I will make the note that I have emboldened the parts which speak most strongly to what I was thinking, but all of it fit. Everything in those verses spoke to my struggle, every single word told me to get up off of my chair and proclaim what the Lord had told me.
So I did, like a skittish, shaking little...something, I slipped up to the front, fumbled with the microphone, almost cried, my mouth dried up, and I daresay I didn't communicate well at all, but I obeyed.
For about 1/4 of a second a voice in my head told me that it wouldn't have been worth it if people didn't understand or weren't affected by what I had said, but the louder voice quickly snuffed it out saying, "I was affected. I understood, and I obeyed. If no one else grew spiritually, I did. If no one else learned to look more fully on the face of God, I DID."
I have a few reasons for writing this for you to read. First, I hope that others, when they read about how stupidly I reacted to the situation, can take comfort that God will use who He will, no matter how ridiculous they are.
Secondly, I wanted to share my original insight with you, because I think it is awesome and will benefit all Christians to think about. Again, if I, as a part of the body, do not share it, the rest of the body doesn't get to know.
Thirdly, I did do a poor job of communicating last night, so while I don't doubt God's ability to speak whatever the others needed to hear through me, I know I will not feel full closure until I have put it out the way I understood it.
And lastly, because I love it when God speaks to me, (however much I didn't love it at that moment) and when, in the future, I have moments of doubt, I want a record for myself that I can look back on and know that God is faithful and true.
For we commend not ourselves again unto you, but give you occasion to glory on our behalf, that ye may have somewhat to answer them which glory in appearance, and not in heart. For whether we be beside ourselves, it is to God; or whether we be sober, it is for your cause. (2 Corinthians 5:12-13)
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