Reflection of a Saint

I feel very... humbled.

Sometimes it takes a shock for me to truly see my own reflection clearly, and today I got one.

This Canada Day has been a very strange day for me. I can almost guarantee that the situation which kickstarted my day will sounds quite silly to you.

I woke up this morning at 6:00am, and decided I wanted five more minutes of sleep. I woke up again at 7:09 to my sister, phone in hand. I was supposed to start work at 7:00.

When I arrived at work, I felt AWFUL. Ashamed of myself, and kicking myself over and over for thinking that I'd wake up to another alarm 5 minutes later, when I knew I had been having trouble waking up to alarms recently.

Each person who didn't make eye contact with me or didn't talk to me was noticed by me. Surely they were doing it on purpose.

I was sent to the back, to work the back booth in drive-thru. At first I was relieved to not be around people, but soon I felt very alone with my shame. I wanted to be with people who would just work, and remind me that I was thinking too much, and that no one else was thinking about it two hours later.

As I replayed the morning in my head, I suddenly realized that I felt so awful because for the first time in a while, I was stationed in front of a mirror which showed clearly my fallibility. I am FAR from perfect, and I felt that really strongly today.

I hated the fact that my perfect attendance record had been broken, that my reputation was damaged. My sister left for a month-long trip this morning, and what I had been calling loneliness suddenly was shown to be jealousy.

I came home to an almost empty house, my sister wanted help with her little children, and I looked for an excuse not to help. I hate writing this, because I do LOVE my nieces, and I love my sister and her husband, and I want in my heart of hearts so badly to be a servant, but I wanted to be lazy. This just added to my growing list of obvious imperfections, so I did what I could to remedy that, by taking  charge of my actions since my feelings were stubborn. I helped with the kids, and I am glad I did it. I was right to do it.

Yet still I feel a hole in me, like I was created with potential, and I have been living in willful ignorance of it.

While I was at work I cried out to God, and wished so hard that SOMEONE had brought a bible. No one had, so I prayed, thanking God that I have access by faith, not just through the written Word. But when I got home, what did I do? I surely didn't read my bible.

But still... God definitely loves me. After about 2:00, aside from moments that added to my list, my spirits were lifted over and over by little things people said and did to me. Not only at work, but my sister and brother in-law put on a BBQ for us, and friends came over to help, and more happened that I can't even remember right now. I feel like God blesses me the most when I can most clearly see that I don't deserve it, perhaps to teach me about grace.

Just before we ate supper, my two-year old niece said, "Tante Tuey (tante means aunt, my nickname is Tuey) is a very odd saint."

It brought to mind the many places in scripture where followers of God are called saints. Not so much the halo-adorned type of saint, but biblically, she is right. I am a very odd saint.

I have a lot of problems, today more obviously than most, but I am a saint.

“Now, therefore, you are no longer strangers and foreigners, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief corner stone, in whom the whole building, being fitted together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord, in whom you also are being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.”
‭‭(Ephesians‬ ‭2:19-22‬)

Now I don't mean to make it out that you can live in sin and it doesn't matter because you are a saint. Being a saint is about being in relationship, and "being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit," who is holy and without sin. Sometimes the purification process is very uncomfortable, (like today!) and that, I find, is when God chooses to comfort you by reminding you that you ARE a saint. You may not be a fully developed, perfectly sanctified saint, but God doesn't expect you to be perfectly sanctified before He has sanctified you.