According to My Righteousness

You might be tired of hearing me say that I am struggling. I seem to be struggling emotionally a lot. In fact, I am a little sick of it myself. But I have been realizing over the past little while that everyone's journey is different, some struggle more than others, and it is not about what people think of me, but what God does.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7)

This being said, I have been struggling. Part of my struggle is that I want to be near to God, I want to be close to Him, but when it comes down to it in my day, there are two options, read the bible or play a game, I choose play a game. And then I get mad at myself for that at the end of the day, and the next day goes the exact same way.

One day I was feeling the burden of this very badly, so I picked up my bible and read Psalm 18. (without knowing what it was about first)

In case you don't know Psalm 18 by memory, it starts like this, 

I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised; So shall I be saved from my enemies. The pangs of death surrounded me, And the floods of ungodliness made me afraid. The sorrows of Sheol surrounded me; The snares of death confronted me. (Psalms 18:1-5)

I was feeling this. In the same words I used when talking about this to my cousin, "This is me." The struggle was feeling like the pangs of death because I knew if I did not seek God I would fall away from Him. I knew I was choosing death over life. I kept reading,

In my distress I called upon the Lord, And cried out to my God; He heard my voice from His temple, And my cry came before Him, even to His ears. (Psalms 18:6)

Since I was relating so well to the earlier part, I took this part to heart. I had called out to God in my distress. He had heard me.

 Then the earth shook and trembled; The foundations of the hills also quaked and were shaken, Because He was angry. Smoke went up from His nostrils, And devouring fire from His mouth; Coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down With darkness under His feet. And He rode upon a cherub, and flew; He flew upon the wings of the wind. He made darkness His secret place; His canopy around Him was dark waters And thick clouds of the skies. From the brightness before Him, His thick clouds passed with hailstones and coals of fire. The Lord thundered from heaven, And the Most High uttered His voice, Hailstones and coals of fire. He sent out His arrows and scattered the foe, Lightnings in abundance, and He vanquished them. Then the channels of the sea were seen, The foundations of the world were uncovered At Your rebuke, O Lord, At the blast of the breath of Your nostrils. (Psalms 18:7-15)

Wow. This part just reminded me how mighty and powerful God is, and this wrath that it is describing here, is not something you want to mess with. AND, this anger is on my behalf. That was the craziest part, because of the struggle that I was having, God was angry.

He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters. (Psalm 18:16)

Again, I was translating this to myself.

  He delivered me from my strong enemy, From those who hated me, For they were too strong for me.They confronted me in the day of my calamity, But the Lord was my support. (Psalm 18:17-18)

AGAIN, this was exactly how I felt. "For they were too strong for me," was practically my own thoughts on paper. I was too weak to fight this. But then there was a promise, "But the Lord was my support."

He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19)

He delights in me! Me! Even though I was struggling to just seek Him, He still saved me because He delighted in me. This was making me so grateful, so amazed, so in awe...but then, I read the next part.

The Lord rewarded me according to my righteousness; According to the cleanness of my hands He has recompensed me. (Psalm 18:20)

Come on. The whole reason I was struggling in the first place was because I was NOT righteous. All of the previous happiness caused by the other verses was shattered. It only got worse.

For I have kept the ways of the Lord, And have not wickedly departed from my God. For all His judgments were before me, And I did not put away His statutes from me^. I was also blameless before Him, And I kept myself from my iniquity. Therefore the Lord has recompensed me according to my righteousness, According to the cleanness of my hands in His sight. (Psalm 18:21-24)

I don't know what made me think this, I guess it was God, but all of a sudden I remembered someone saying the words, "Jesus is my righteousness."

I read verse 24 again with that perspective, as though when it says 'my righteousness,' it is saying 'Jesus.'

That was so amazing. And so true. That was the whole purpose for which He died, so that we would not have to be recompensed according to our own righteousness because our righteousness would never be enough.

Look back at those verses, 21-24, read them all again with that thought. That is what I did. As though the things he is claiming are things Jesus is claiming of Himself. It is all totally true.

By the time I got to the bottom I was overwhelmed with a new sense of gratefulness, that Jesus would die to be my righteousness. And when I read the end of verse 24 again, According to the cleanness of my hands in His sight. I remembered another saying that I have heard many times, that when Jesus is your savior, when God looks at you He doesn't see sinful you, but perfect Jesus.

When He looks at me, He sees clean hands, and a pure heart, because that is what My Righteousness gave me.

Two Bundles of Blessing

Hello everyone,

I am sorry, I have not posted in a very long time. I know, I say this practically every other post. :P

Anyways, the truth of the reason for this long pause is nothing good, all I have is the confession that I have had nothing to post. It is a confession because it is not that God has not been blessing me, but that I have not made an effort recently to look in my life for the little blessings that I am supposed to be writing about.

So yeah, that's my whole reason. I will try to look harder now, so starting today hopefully I will be able to see more clearly the ways that God is showing up around me, and I would encourage you to pray for eyes to see Him too.

My first post after my little break is about two blessings that are kinda hard to ignore...

My nieces!

I wrote about them in one of my last posts, the latter half of All The Things!!!!, and now they are here! They were born a few days ago and we were all surprised with two little girls. They are adorable.

 I am loving being an aunt, and I look forward to watching them grow.

I feel...incredibly blessed. As I look at their parents, my sister and brother in law, I know that they will be good parents and good examples, and the reason is because of their parents, being good parents and good examples to them. I have to praise God as I look around me at my family, my parents, my grandparents, and my siblings, (including my brother in law) and now at the newest additions to our family. God is good, He has been blessing us all our lives through the amazing legacy of people in our family who have sought after Him.

This inspires me to seek Him too, because I know that I can continue to live out this legacy, continue to be a part of the blessing that is my family, and continue to pass that blessing down to future generations.

Exodus 20:6 says, "...but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments."

Have a great day!

Opening Doors Part 2: Closed

Hi everyone!

I know, it has been a long while since I posted, but I have a very good reason for that.

Two posts ago I talked about a cool thing that was unfolding in my life, (Opening Doors Part 1: Knocking) if you haven't read that, you should read it before you continue reading this.

I ended that post with the promise that I would post again with the results of that story as Opening Doors Part 2: Open, or Opening Doors Part 2: Closed.

Well, fairly soon after I wrote that I found out the results. I watched a video for Academie Ste Cecile, and decided it was not for me, so I was fully intending to post right away. But just then my computer stopped working. So I was not able to.

To be honest, as I looked at the situation, I was confused. I didn't have enough money to go to the Dance Barre, and the other studio was not going to work out. Why? It seemed so clear. I was open to the idea of that not being God's plan, but I just didn't understand why it wouldn't be.

Then I was talking on the phone with a friend of mine who lives in Ottawa, and she mentioned this dance camp there and said I should come. I know that that studio teaches really good technique, and it is a Christian studio, so I was all for it. I looked into the details and because of the whole Corn Detasseling thing, I would have enough money to go.

It just got better and better from there, I found out that my cousins were going to be going, and I could probably get a ride with them, and it was all perfect. THIS must have been what God was doing, I was sure of it. I had total confidence that God would provide, that He would work everything out, again I was open to it not being His will, but I couldn't see any reason for it not to be.

But then all of a sudden it just all crashed. I couldn't get a ride with my cousins and my dad is really busy so for him to drive me and stuff...it just was not working. On top of that I would have to ask for days off of Corn Detasseling because the season got pushed later and later, so I though it would be done in time, but it turned out it wouldn't be.

When I was planning that out, I was thinking about how my computer was not working, and conveniently not allowing me to post that the doors were closed, but it stayed not working the entire time I was planning the Ottawa trip, and now that that is off, it finally works. Convenient.

And now I have to say the same thing as before, I am confused. It did seem clear, and I don't think I have ever had so much confidence that something would work out as I have in this whole process, so I don't understand.

But I once heard someone say that God never closes a door without opening a window, and I believe that He has a window for me. I don't know what it is, but when it opens it will be better than the doors He closed, so I am fine with that.

Thank you everybody who has been praying for me!

In The Good Times and The Bad

God is good.

I see those words all the time. I hear them often, and I even say them often.

This blog is pretty much all about how God is good.

When I am feeling happy or just realizing how blessed I am I like to praise Him for being so amazing. I post Facebook statuses like, "God is good." "God is so good!" "God is good, all the time!"

But today was just "one of those days."

I was confused, I was upset, I felt burdened and I didn't even know why. I was praying that God would take me out of this frame of mind but instead I was hit with the words, "God is good."

I know that, I thought. I wish I was happy so I could post that on Facebook, or write a blog post about it, or even a journal entry, or just tell someone... But then I realized, Why can't I?

I have said God is good all the time. In the good times and the bad. I believed that with my whole heart when I was happy, and I still believed it when I was upset, but that made me ask myself, "Why can't I?"

I was not "feeling blessed." I knew I was blessed, I believed it, but I was upset. I was not happy, so I felt like I could not say something that portrays happiness unless I had a reason for happiness.

The best thing is that I don't need a reason for momentary happiness, because I have a reason for everlasting joy.
Happiness is fleeting, it can come in an instant and leave just as fast. But joy is not a feeling, it is a choice, and that choice is ultimately believing that Jesus is the Son of God and He died to save you.

I have a reason to be joyful, even when I am sad, because no matter how I feel, Jesus loves me. He died for me.

I hoped that by the end of thinking about how Jesus loves me I would be happy, but I was not. I felt the same. Except for one thing. I didn't feel like I needed to be happy anymore.

This day will pass, as will this feeling.

I am content, despite my other feelings of depression, because these feelings are temporary, they are lies of Satan and can only stay so long. But my joy is not fleeting, my joy will still be there when I emerge from the bog that I find myself in, I will see it there shining bright as day, and I will feel it better then.

For now I just need to trust that I am safe. God is holding me even when I can't feel Him, and He has my heart. He has my joy.


Yes, God is good.

ALL THE TIME.

Opening Doors Part 1: Knocking

Hey there!

I had the most amazing phone conversation a few days ago, and it is making me think that maybe God is doing something really cool. I don't know where this will end, whether it will be the way I want it or not, but I decided to post about the way it has been going thus far, and I will write a second part once I find out the outcome.

So here it is.

If anyone has been interested enough to go to Bracelets for Ballet on the right side of this page, has read my About Me section, or has read either of my earlier posts, A Familar Smile, or Encourager, you will know already that I am aspiring to be a ballerina.

For the longest time I have wanted to take lessons but have had virtually no means of doing so. I have taken a few random classes throughout the year as well as a week-long dance camp coming up in August again. I am 15 years old and probably in grade 2 ballet.

I decided a while ago that I was going to buckle down and take lessons this year if I possibly could, but it was like there was a row of doors in my face, all of them closed.

Door #1: A Studio

I had looked into a whole bunch of different studios in Windsor and had come to the conclusion that the only one I was interested in was the Dance Barre, which is a secular studio and VERY stressful according to what I have heard about it. Also it is not very convenient for my mother to drive me out to where it is twice-three times a week.

But we would make it happen, if I was able to raise the money for it.

But just a little while ago, we heard about a Catholic studio called Academie Ste Cecile, which "just happens" to have a lot of people I know who go there and they all love it. It also "just happens" to be way easier for Mom to drive me to.

Note: I am still undecided between the two, because I don't know all of the details about Academie Ste Cecile yet.

Door #2: Technique

As I just mentioned, I don't know all about Ste Cecile yet. The number one thing I am concerned about is ballet technique. But in order to tell if a studio teaches good technique, you have to watch a video of their dancers. I emailed the teacher and asked for a video, but they don't show videos of their dancers to other people, so that seemed like a deal breaker. The Dance Barre it was.

But then I found out that a good friend of mine takes lessons there! She has a recital video from a few years ago and so I will get to see that.

Also, another big deciding factor was that most studios decided what class you are going to be in according to your age. That is NOT a good thing. They should place you in classes according to your ability and experience. I asked about this, and they decide according to ability, not age.

Door #3: Money

On our Bracelets for Ballet Facebook page I started a weekly update of "This is how much money I need, this is how long I have to get it." But since you can't charge tons of money for bracelets, the money was slow coming in, although I was getting lots of business.

I had asked the Dance Barre if there is any way I can work in exchange for a discount, but that was not possible.

I thought to myself one day, It would take a miracle for this to happen. It would literally take someone walking up to me and saying, "Here's a thousand dollars."

Then we heard about this crew that goes out in the summer and works in corn fields, detasseling the corn. The pay is extremely high, though the work is extremely hard. (If you want to check it out, you can go to their website here - http://www.corncrew.com/)
They were supposed to have closed the registration already, but for "some reason," they left them open late and we got them in.

Then I got a phone call from the teacher at Academie Ste Cecile, and she answered all of my questions super helpfully, she was soooo nice, I really want her to be my teacher. When I emailed her, I had asked if there was any way I could work for a discount, and she gave me the answer to that on the phone. There are three girls doing that right now, what they call a Working Scholarship, but one of them, again, "just happens" to maybe not be able to do it this upcoming school year, so she said she would put me down as first in line for that position if she can't do it.

That scholarship gives you a HALF PRICE discount! Although it is an amazing discount, I would still need about $300 IF I get the working scholarship.

Door #4: Corn Detasseling

Even though we got our applications in, we found out that there were hundreds of other applicants, so the chances of us getting the job were not that great.

It made it even worse when we found out later that they had already hired a whole bunch of people from previous years, so that made the chance even smaller!

Yesterday I was doing something for my dad, and my sister who applied with me came over to tell me that we got accepted, but we missed the replying date, and our jobs were given to people on the waiting list.

I just prayed, barely hoping, that we would somehow still get it, and when I went back to our room it turned out that she had made a mistake and we still had about a week to respond!


It seemed like those doors were not going to open. I didn't think they would. But God has been opening them, one at a time and just in the right time, I am amazed again at what He is doing.

My hope is that He will proceed to open the remaining doors, #1: Technique, and #2: The Working Scholarship. Either that or open the Money door for the Dance Barre, but honestly I would prefer Academie Ste Cecile.

But it is all in His hands. :) I don't know why He would open so many doors only to close them again, but if He does, His plan is perfect and I just need to trust Him with it.

So I will post again when I find out about the technique, either with the title being Opening Doors Part 2: Open, or Opening Doors Part 2: Closed.

I can't wait to see what God is doing!

All The Things!!!!

HI!!!!! :D

Happiness overload.

Oh yes.

SO. I have not blogged in a really long time, partly due to computer issues, and before that, lack of things to write about.

But in the time that I have not been able to blog, I have had so many things to write about, I don't think I will remember them all.

The first one that I'll mention happened yesterday, and this is just one of those kinds of moments that I think I have shared before and most Christians reading this will recognize. I was really having a bad day. I'm not going to share exactly why, but I felt really upset, and I was trying to do good and be...good, I guess. But everything was just failing and I felt like it was my fault and I just couldn't do anything right.

As I mentioned before, my computer has not been working, so as I was pretty much at my wit's end, I was finally able to get on Facebook and the first thing I read was, "I wish I could express how good God is."

I knew I needed to be reminded. I know He is good all the time but sometimes He feels a million miles away, so I read on.

There was more about how good He is, but what really spoke to me was the verse,

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it. The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.  (Psalm 34:13-18)

Oh man.

I would not call myself righteous by definition, but the bible says that I am righteous. Abraham was called righteous because of his faith, and God calls me righteous for the same reason. So I believe that God put this verse there at that time for me to read, because He knew I needed to be reminded that His eyes are toward me and He hears my cry, when I cried for help He heard me, and He will deliver me from my troubles. He is near to me and He will save me.

Ahhhhhh........

Anyways, so that was the first thing. This is going to be a long post, sorry guys. :P

The second thing is this, does anyone remember my post from November called A Day To Remember? It was about my sister who had a miscarriage. Since then she is pregnant again, this time with TWINS! 

But there is a problem. She has a negative blood type and her husband is positive, that means that the babies have a 50/50 chance of getting either positive or negative. So if she happens to be carrying a positive baby, her body can develop antibodies which can potentially attack the baby. You are supposed to get a shot to prevent them from forming if you are a negative blood type.

We didn't know this at first, so during her first pregnancy that is what happened.

Once they develop though, there is no getting rid of them, they are there to stay, and will be a danger to all future pregnancies. They can't shrink either, they only grow. It is scientifically impossible for them to go away.

But we believe in miracles. :)

At our prayer meeting at church, we have been praying for these babies, and we have been praying the impossible, that the antibodies will disappear.

A few weeks later my sister came home from her midwife appointment to report that her midwife was astonished to find that they had shrunk. They were so small they were barely traceable, and she really didn't know whether to worry about them or not.

We didn't stop praying though, we kept praying that they would go away completely, and as of a few weeks ago, they are GONE.

Completely. Disappeared.

HALLELUJAH!! :D

AND, if you want more miracles, read this earlier post if you haven't already, So Strong, and then check out what is happening with these twins, https://www.facebook.com/senntwins

Have a great day!

Encourager

My God is an Encourager.

And for this, I am blessed.

Recently I have been wrestling with a lot of discouragement. So I have been praying for some kind of encouragement. In any form really, I'm not picky.

On Friday I went to a craft show to sell bracelets, (if you don't know what that is all about, read 'Bracelets for Ballet' on the right side of the screen) it was a three day show, Friday night, and then Saturday and Sunday.

So the last two days were much like any other show, except a bit slower.

But then today was like a "Hey! You asked for encouragement, you're gonna get it!" kind of day. :D

This may not seem so awesome to you guys just reading this, but to me, it meant a lot.

I met a girl on Friday who told me today that she is a professional dancer. She told me good luck with our bracelets and gave me some contact information and said that she does free dance workshops sometimes if I was interested.

That was super exciting!

And then after that a girl came over and asked where I was planning on taking dance lessons. I told her either the Dance Barre or Academie Ste Cecile, and she said she works at the Dance Barre! How crazy is that?
She bought a bracelet and then continued on her way. A few minutes later I saw her talking with a guy who I assumed was her brother, and in a few seconds he came my way with a five dollar bill in hand.

He came up and said that he doesn't really wear bracelets, so he didn't want to buy anything, but he said he liked what I was doing, and he wanted to support me. "My sister is a dancer," he said, "and for someone to not get lessons...that really hits home for me."

That made me so happy...you have no idea. :)

Talking with these three people really made me realize how many people come by and buy a bracelet just to support us. It makes me really grateful.

I feel like someday if I become a professional dancer, I will be in some interview, and I'll be like, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for God, my parents, etc. etc., and I just want to thank that one guy at a craft show a long time ago who told me never to give up, and that lady at another craft show who told me I was pretty and to keep on going, and that other guy at the same craft show as the lady who gave me twenty dollars!" At this point I will look at the person who is interviewing me, "Can you believe that? TWENTY DOLLARS! For a THREE DOLLAR BRACELET." Then I will keep going, "And that little boy who only had a quarter but he gave it to me so I could take ballet, and that one..." The reporter will probably have to shut me up. I have had so many people that I am so grateful for, who didn't know me, but just felt like blessing me. :)

These people are so encouraging, and I know it is God who used them to encourage me.

He is my Encourager.

He is awesome.