"Like A Wife Deserted and Grieved in Spirit."

I once heard a bible teacher make this shocking statement, "Sin doesn't keep us from God. Shame keeps us from God."

Before you start pulling out "For the wages of sin is death," think about it for a moment. True, the wages of sin were death, but the wages of sin have been paid. The offer is extended to every person, so what really keeps them from God?

If you want to get all technical, I'm willing to concede that shame is not the only culprit, if we're looking at the broad scale of humanity and asking what keeps them from God, it might be as accurate to say pride, stubbornness, or ignorance.

But as a Christian, that statement hit me so hard. Have you ever felt like you were in a rut of just failing all the time, and you felt like you were going back for forgiveness every five minutes, as if you could never stay in the presence of God because you just kept falling out? Ever felt like it was so hard to keep up the clean slate after it had been cleaned for you, so after you messed it up a little bit, you decided to stay away from God until you had polished it back to the way He had, and then you'd go back to Him?

I know that struggle SO well. But God didn't put that struggle on me, I put it on myself. His sacrifice paid for past, present, and future, and once forgiven, He has committed to forgive you as many times as He needs to. He was pretty clear about the fact that I can't clean my own slate, and He's never expected me to.

“Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you. Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

(John 15:3-5)

"Abide in Me," He said, "Stay with Me." Not, "Stay perfect."

But what is it that we do when we feel we haven't been perfect? Is our first reaction to face Him, or to hide a little bit, try to clean the slate, and then go? Shame will always hold us back from God if we let it.

The first instance of shame holding someone back from God is all the way in the first instance of someone relating to God at all.

“And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, "Where are you?" And he said, "I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself."” (Genesis 3:8-10)

Adam learned what it was to be ashamed of himself, so he did exactly the opposite of what he should've done. He tried to be away from God.

Sounds like me.

It's counterintuitive, but God actually wants us to go to Him right away, not wasting any time. He'll fix it when we get there.

Since I've been thinking about what a huge deal that is, (cause it is, really. Shame is constantly and actively trying to keep us from staying in the presence of God, and that is a big deal.) I've been thinking about some other ways that I have allowed shame a place in my life where it doesn't belong.

One way is the fact that I am a North-American Christian.

Growing up, I've heard so many times about the persecution that exists in other parts of the world, about the poverty that people live in, and how good I have it. I've grown up in peace, comfort, and blessing, and haven't really ever experienced want. You'd think the natural response to this knowledge would be gratitude, but mostly it's been shame.

I feel like I've almost been taught to be ashamed of being a North American Christian. I've been ashamed of not having experienced persecution. I've been ashamed of living in a post-Christian society. I've been ashamed of being blessed. I've been ashamed of hurting, when my problems are so #firstworldproblems.

But recently I had an experience where God just freed me from that guilt. Just with the realization that God is good, and the things He does are good, and He uses things for the good of those who love Him. I never chose where I was born or who my parents were. God chose that for me, and who am I to be ashamed of His plan?

That is not to say that I shouldn't do what I can to help those less fortunate than me, or recognize the abundance He's given me. But now I realize that I am not less valuable or less important to the body of Christ than someone going through persecution, now I am not ashamed of who I am. I can actually receive what I have with thanksgiving, and give with real generosity, not guilt.

“For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord."” (1 Corinthians 1:26-31)

He's basically saying that their low status and lack of education did not stop them from being used and transformed by God. The reverse is true. Just like God can use someone in a poor situation, He can use someone in a rich one. The point is the conclusion, that we are not who we were before. We are new creations in Christ, and if we boast, we boast in the Lord!

Similarly to that, I have also felt ashamed of the North-American Church. Again, growing up, every time I heard a pastor preach on Revelation, "the lukewarm church" was always compared to the one I was sitting in. I always felt like a part of a body of sub-par believers, but it always seemed to be chalked up to blessing, "because we live in such a wonderful country, we can't help being lukewarm. We're basically fated to be spiritual couch potatoes unless we move to a full time mission field in a third world country."

Seriously, until I articulated this, I didn't realize how horrible it was. I hope that if you have felt the same way, you realize how wrong it is by reading this.

I agree that the North-American Church has lived in comfort more than other places, but I renounce my former subconscious conviction that every North-American believer is lukewarm or sub-par. Again, we didn't choose to be born here.

Disclaimer Number Two: I am not saying that I think the North American Church can't do any better than it is. As a matter of fact, I think that the same thing that happens on a personal level possibly happens on a Church-wide level, that shame keeps us out of the presence of God. The first thing we need to do is stop limiting ourselves by shame, and surrender to whatever God wants to do with us.

“"Ah, stubborn children," declares the Lord, "who carry out a plan, but not mine, and who make an alliance, but not of my Spirit, that they may add sin to sin; who set out to go down to Egypt, without asking for my direction, to take refuge in the protection of Pharaoh and to seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt! Therefore shall the protection of Pharaoh turn to your shame, and the shelter in the shadow of Egypt to your humiliation. For though his officials are at Zoan and his envoys reach Hanes, everyone comes to shame through a people that cannot profit them, that brings neither help nor profit, but shame and disgrace."” (Isaiah 30:1-5)

We cannot afford, as the body of Christ, to find comfort in our shame. If we will allow shame to dictate our response to sin, then we are making a plan that is not God's. If we allow shame to dictate our response to God, then we are going back to bondage to "seek shelter in the shadow of Egypt."

These are the three areas in my life where I have noticed that shame has kept me from closer relationship or better understanding of God, but there are more. Even subconsciously, if you are ashamed of your talents or lack thereof, God wants to call you higher. If you're ashamed of the way you look, or things you did in the past, God wants to call you higher. Basically if there is ANY shame or guilt in any part of your life, STOP letting it keep you from Him.

I looked up a bunch of verses about shame, and it just struck me how God doesn't specifically call it out much, but His heart for His people is clearly that they would live in victory, fulfilment, confidence, and honour. That's amazing.

“"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For the Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife of youth when she is cast off, says your God. For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you. In overflowing anger for a moment I hid my face from you, but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you," says the Lord, your Redeemer.” (Isaiah 54:4-8)

Philosophy of Bubbles (heavy topics)

I’ve been thinking about bubbles.

You didn’t expect that one, did ya?

There’s a song I heard recently called “The Boy in the Bubble,” by Alec Benjamin. The song is about a boy who has closed himself off from caring about anyone, or allowing himself to be cared for, because of deep pain he has gone through. 

He has made himself “The Boy in the Bubble,” who says things like, “Punch my face, do it cause I like the pain. Every time you curse my name, I know you want the satisfaction, it’s not gonna happen.”

The song, unfortunately, is demonstrative of real people, who experience pain to the degree that they decide to cut themselves off from loving, or being loved. It’s like another song, “Hello My Old Heart,” by the Oh Hellos, which says to a heart long locked away, “It’s true you’ll never beat, but you’ll never break.”

Bubbles. To most, they are the nostalgia of spring picnics in the park as a child, when a bubble was the single most fascinating thing of your life.

To some, they are the representation of the space they try to hide in and call their own, but it’s clear even to them that they are a cage.

Recently I began to read about a boy named David Vetter, whose nickname was the inspiration for Alec Benjamin's song. In 1971, David’s mother gave birth to him, knowing that he had an immune disease called SCID. (Severe Combined Immunodeficiency) The only treatment for the disease available at the time was a bone marrow transplant, but even that was not available to David, because there was no donor match for him.

The doctors decided to try placing him inside a sterilized plastic bubble, which would keep out the germs that could be lethal to him…but it also kept the world (at least the way we experience it) out with them. David is known to the world most commonly as "The Boy in the Bubble," or "The Bubble Boy."

David lived for 12 years inside his bubble. Along the way, he inspired many, and caused many to ask very difficult questions. “Is it ethical to put someone through such a low quality of life?” “What will we do when he gets old enough to perhaps want to leave the bubble, knowing the risk?” “Should his parents have chosen to abort him?”

Medically, his life caused progression in a way very few individuals have. Today SCID can be treated much earlier and more effectively than it could in his day, because of his life.

Morally, his life demonstrated that in all circumstances, people have value. David’s doctor John Montgomery had to wrestle with these ethical questions, but through knowing David, he concluded that to preserve his life was absolutely the ethical solution. 

“If you take care of the patient better by doing nothing, you should do nothing. But if there is even a remote chance of success, for goodness sake, take it.” -John R Montgomery

David’s gravestone reads, “He never touched the world, but the world was touched by him.”

Who knew bubbles could make you think so deeply?

I think a lot in parallels and allegories, (if you have read my blog, you probably already know) so it struck me that in Ontario, when a hospital or abortion clinic has a space that is legally protected from pro-life advocates, it is called a Bubble Zone. 

Just thinking about bubbles in all four examples, the parallels that show up are really fascinating. The first relates to childhood and innocence, which most people agree should be protected. The second, to abuse suffered by (usually) children, and self-protection. The third, to a child, protecting his life. The fourth relates again, to innocent children, but for the purpose of “protecting” the mother, even at the expense of her child.

Bubble Zones insure that no one advocating for the life of pre-born children can stand within 50-500 metres of the hospital. The contrast between the bubble that kept David safe for 12 years, and the bubble which is meant to secure the deaths of other children like him, is overwhelming.

The strongest thing that stood out to me as I read about David, was that inside his sterile bubble, there was constant noise, and the plastic made it hard to hear through to either side. His family stood by him, bringing tutors to teach him, and spending time with him just like they would have if he had been just like anyone else, but communication was hard. Not impossible, but hard.

In 2019, the biggest reason abortion is treated as acceptable, is because the children it affects cannot be heard. They can’t make their own case. But unlike David, their parents don’t try to communicate with them. 

The doctors in David’s life created a bubble for him so that he could live, and unfortunately it made his voice hard to hear. Today, people who want to implement the Bubble Zones around abortion clinics and hospitals do it for the EXACT opposite reason. There are a few people who have enough courage today to speak for the children who can’t be heard, and the bubble is meant to silence the only voice those children have.

All of this being said, I don’t want to leave on a negative note. Because, as in David’s situation, where a very improbable solution worked, there are always improbabilities that just might happen.

Though improbable, there IS a voice for the pre-born, and it is not being diminished by those who would silence it, it’s getting louder. If you, like me, want to see a change, let’s you and I become a part of it. To paraphrase the quote from earlier, "If we took care of the children better by doing nothing, then we should do nothing. But if there is even a remote chance of success, for goodness sake, let's take it!"

NOTES:

If you would like to join this growing movement, there are pro-life activist groups popping up all over Canada! I encourage you to look up “(Your City) Against Abortion,” and see if there is something nearby, if not, go to the Canadian Centre for Bioethical Reform (CCBR) website, and contact them.

I'm Back!

Hi friends.

(happy sigh)

It's good to be back.

In my last post, (back in the dead of winter) I said something about how I was making life decisions and how God is good. I think now would be a good time to explain.

Since the last time I wrote a post about my life, I was invited again to join 1:11 Ministries on a Christmas tour, performing an old ballet redone, called The Christmas Chest. It was a lot of fun, we worked hard, (both at McDonalds part-time and in the studio) and turned out a really great performance.

Back in 2016, we performed a Christmas ballet called Incarnation, and after that production, I was beyond inspired. My dreams were reawakened and reimagined, I couldn't wait to keep training, so I could keep dancing for the rest of my life.

This time, I wrestled with a lot of different feelings. There was a lot going on, (it's not a simple explanation) so I'll just say that I asked myself and God a lot of questions, and by the end of December, I had decided that I felt called to take a break.

I haven't danced since December 23rd.

I don't know if I will be called back to it, I'm certainly open to that possibility. I still love dancing, it still inspires me, and I think God communicates through it in a way He doesn't through anything else. But for now, I am learning to hear from God in different ways.

At the moment, I am spending my time working at McDonalds, studying for my GED, teaching Sunday school, and trying to sit still at the feet of Jesus.

The other day I was reminded of the old hymn, "Oh, what peace we often forfeit, Oh, what needless pain we bear. All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer."

That's my life motto right now.

I hope this post doesn't carry a sad undertone. I am really, really excited these days. I see God working in my life, and I couldn't ask for much more. I find GREAT comfort in the fact that God is God, and I am not.

Friend. Keep trusting in Jesus. That's about all I have to say at this point. Maybe next time I'll have something more profound to say...or maybe that's the most profound thing I've ever said.

Coming Back to the Present

Hey guys! It's been a while since I've written, so it might take me a few posts to catch up on everything that has been keeping my mind busy, your patience is appreciated. :)

I'll start off by saying, I have an overthinking problem. Since I was a kid, I've tried to make my life the most meaningful it can possibly be, I've thought through the most effective strategies to do that, I have semi-regular "Life Evaluation Sessions," to examine how my strategies have worked, and what I need to do to improve them going forward. I also frequently imagine that I am 90 years old looking back on my life, and see what made it valuable/what I regret about the way I am living now, so that I can nip those mistakes in the bud and capitalize on the significant things.

The reason this very efficient way of living is a problem, is that I am constantly worrying that I will do something I'll end up regretting, or not do something I should do, and then I just have unnecessary stress to live with.

If you can relate to this...I'm sorry not sorry. You know what I mean. ;) If you can't relate, I told you I had an overthinking problem. I think I come by it honestly.

So here is my point in explaining all of this, the bible says that "Where the spirit of the Lord is there is liberty."

I am in a position at the moment where I am making decisions about the direction I want to go in my life, and as you can imagine, these kinds of stresses are at the forefront of my mind most of the time. But the other day I was praying about it, and I just felt like God said to me, "You don't have to think like you're 90, because you are 19."

It actually sounds so silly when I explain it, but that was SO freeing for me! I have only lived for 19 years! I can't actually know what is the best possible step to take at this point in my life, because I can't see what it will do in the future, because I haven't lived it yet! I know people always say the best thing you can do is trust God, but seriously, God has lived for all of history. He knows the best possible decision everyone can make at every point in all of their lives. LITERALLY the best thing I can do with my 19 year old experience, is try to be obedient to God. And if I mess that up, that is what grace is about. He's not expecting me to obey Him like I've lived for 90 years either, He's just expecting me to trust Him, try, and receive grace.

Where the spirit of the Lord is, there REALLY is liberty. Wow.

More on my life decisions and how God is smarter than me later, thanks for stopping by!

A Heavy Head and a Heavy Heart

Hi friends! I'm sure you all are wondering why I have gathered you here.

Hehe. Kinda true, isn't it? Anyway, the reason for the gathering on this fine day, is that I have a request to make of you.

Normally my posts are about sharing what God is doing in my life, and this post will be that as well, but I was just feeling like you might want to be involved in this part of what God is doing.

I have a summer full of unique opportunities this year, and I am SO excited, involving going to Calgary, auditioning for a Christmas tour, going to Ottawa, and dancing in all of those places!

My problem started on August 29th, when my head suddenly felt like a ton of bricks, and a wave of dizziness swept over me.

Before you get too alarmed, this was not the first time I've delt with random dizziness, I've had it off and on for the past 8ish years.

I only began to be concerned about it when it kept coming back every day. We have since been to the doctor, received many possible diagnoses, and had an MRI ordered, which has not yet happened. So far we have theories, but nothing concrete, so we're not quite sure how to help it.

So here is my request. If you think of me this summer, and especially this month, please pray for my healing. I really feel like God has orchestrated these summer plans and provided for me to do them, even when I have been too dizzy to work and make any money.

I believe His intention is for me to go, so I'm asking that you just join in praying for His will to be done. And on that note, I could very well be wrong! Maybe His intention is to do other things with me, and my plans will all crash and burn. In light of that possibility, please just pray that He will shape me into who He wants me to be in the process.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?

That said, I have one more thing.

Recently I was feeling pretty overwhelmed by my sickness, everybody's theories about my sickness, household stress, and feeling like God was begrudingly giving me grace.

Then I started singing a song I haven't even heard in ages, the lyrics go like this.

Who will love me for me?

Not for what I have done, or what I will become.

Who will love me for me?

Later, God responds to this troubled plea with,

I will love you for you.

Not for what you have done, or what you will become.

I will love you for you.

I just about cried. I didn't realize I had forgotten about His love again, but that's the thing about forgetting. You never know what you forgot.

He brought me back to the beginning again and just reminded me that despite anything I do or who I am perceived to be, He loves me. It takes such a weight off of my shoulders, I can't even explain.

Anyway, that's the update on me, I would love to hear your feedback! If you want to tell me what you're up to, or just let me know if this post encouraged you, feel free.

If you feel so inclined, there is one more way you can help me, which is by sharing my GoFundMe page with your friends, or anyone who you think might like to support my trip to Mississippi next July.

The plan is to use dance as a ministry tool, and to do so, I need to be able to dance well. Ballet Magnificat's Dance Intensive will be a huge help in enabling me to do that, as they strive to train up Godly people at the same time as skilled dancers.

Click HERE to see my page!

Thank you for your help!

~Keturah

When Slaves of Righteousness Leave

Hey friends! I have compiled a list of 101 books to read, so that I might not be so uneducated compared to Jane Fairfax.

(Kudos if you got the quote.)

I just finished #6 on my list, which was Eight Keys to Lasting Success, and it was actually written by my father, (Jay Thomson) who is very wise, and the book is very good.

I think my favorite chapter was the second last, in which he talks about slavery in the old testament, among other things, and it sparked a cool thought, so I decided to write about it.

In the old testament law, slavery was not what you and I think of in regards to the slave trade, or anything akin to it. Slavery had very specific guidelines set up by God, really for the betterment of everyone involved. It was a way of paying a debt, but in the process of this payment through servitude, the slave was to be mentored by his master, and equipped to be better able to provide for himself in the future.

The reason he would need to learn this at all was because as a part of the system, God had declared every 7th year to be a rest year, in which (among other things) every slave was to be set free.

And when you send him away free from you, you shall not let him go away empty-handed; you shall supply him liberally from your flock, from your threshing floor, and from your winepress. From what the Lord your God has blessed you with, you shall give to him. You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the Lord your God redeemed you; therefore I command you this thing today. (Deuteronomy 15:13-15)

Okay, so the first thing that is cool about this setup is that it is a picture of a picture. The exodus from Egypt, we as Christians can clearly see was both a physical deliverance and a prophetic picture of what God intended to do through Jesus Christ.

The blood over the doors of the Hebrews from an undefiled lamb delivered their children from death, God brought them out of the captivity of Egypt into the Promised Land, just like He brings us out of the captivity of sin into the Promised Life, through the blood of His undefiled Son.

So the exodus itself was a picture of the gospel, and then God when He sets up the society of His people as an individual nation, says to mirror that picture, because God treated them well when they were slaves in Egypt, so they must treat their slaves well.

Beyond that, there is more to this slave/owner relationship. If the slave had gone into servitude married, in the 7th year he would come out just as he had been before. However, if he was given a wife by his master, his wife and any children would remain slaves when he was set free.

Now before you go thinking that this is so unfair, realize that the slave would have perfect understanding of this before going into it. He didn't have to get married, it was a choice he would've made while being fully aware of the consequences.

However, sometimes people did make that choice, and when it came time to be set free, he wouldn't want to leave his wife and children, so he would tell his master he wanted to stay. God's provision for this was that when he told his master he wanted to stay, he would become a permanant slave of the household.

If you buy a Hebrew servant, he shall serve six years; and in the seventh he shall go out free and pay nothing. If he comes in by himself, he shall go out by himself; if he comes in married, then his wife shall go out with him. If his master has given him a wife, and she has borne him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master’s, and he shall go out by himself. But if the servant plainly says, ‘I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out free,’ then his master shall bring him to the judges. He shall also bring him to the door, or to the doorpost, and his master shall pierce his ear with an awl; and he shall serve him forever. (Exodus 21:2-6)

Here is what struck me about this. If the picture of the slave/owner relationship is supposed to be another picture of the gospel, (shown even further in the New Testament, as Jesus said that he who wishes to be first among you must become a slave of all, and then taught His disciples how to be HIS servants, by serving them.) what significance does the issue of leaving have?

Do you not know that to whom you present yourselves slaves to obey, you are that one’s slaves whom you obey, whether of sin leading to death, or of obedience leading to righteousness? But God be thanked that though you were slaves of sin, yet you obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine to which you were delivered. And having been set free from sin, you became slaves of righteousness. (Romans 6:16-18)

It's cool because God makes the mirror work in two ways that are opposite eachother. On the one hand, the setting free of the slave on the Sabbath year is a picture of salvation. God brought the people out of the land of Egypt into "His rest," and He brings us out of bondage into "rest."

On the other hand, when we are set free from the bondage of sin, we naturally become slaves of righteousness. This is the slave relationship that I want to examine for a minute. God, in His picture, set up specific rules for the slave leaving. What is mirrored here about the way interacts with us?

If we choose to leave our Master's household, He will not hold us back. In fact, the principles we learned as Christians will benefit us in our life, in a way, He has "not let (us) depart empty-handed."

This success we will achieve as a result is of course, not lasting. At the very best it will carry up through to the end of our lives, and then every benefit we received in our lives on earth will be worth nothing in the face of eternal judgment.

But our Master does not just send us away willingly. He wants us to stay, so He provides incentive for us. If we choose to leave His house, we must leave our "wife and children" behind.

This is going to sound super weird for a minute, but hopefully you can get what I mean. Also, bear in mind that all of this was birthed out of my love for allegory in every possible scenario, so none of this is strictly biblical. God didn't speak to me from heaven to tell me that these were the reasons for these rules, but these are the pictures I see.

I'll start with the children. The bible sometimes refers to children as "fruit."

Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth. (Genesis 1:28)

In another way, the bible compares the results of your actions to both fruit and children.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness... (Galatians 5:22)

But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death. (James 1:14-15)

If we think of the word children in this way, that is what we leave behind when we leave our Master. Actually in both senses, if we are leaving the master of sin, James 1 describes the children we leave behind, if we leave God as our master, Galatians 5 describes the children we leave behind.

Now for the wife. When God instituted marriage, He said a man would leave his father and mother, cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.

God calls those who respond to the gospel, those who become His slaves, as His bride. As the Bride of Christ, we get to own that which He owns, we get to have a deep and personal relationship with Him, and we get treated with the respect and love that is due the Bride of Christ. (Not that we deserve it, but that by "marrying" us, He has elevated us to that place of honor.)

Okay. So if the servant of God becomes one flesh with the bride, then they are the same person. The slave is both slave and bride. If that slave chooses to leave, he must leave the bride behind.

If you choose to leave salvation behind, you are not just walking away from a master that you have to submit to, you are walking away from the opportunity to grow in character, (the fruit, or children) and you are walking away from an identity of honor.

Anyway, I thought that was cool. Let me know what you thought of my observations, or share any additional ones you had!

An Analogy on a Sunday Morning

Thank the Lord for analogies! I think so much in allegory, that if God didn't speak in analogies I don't think I would be able to understand most of what He says. That said, I want to share with you an analogy I thought about this morning.

I love ballet, but ballet is hard work. Being able to dance for me, means at least two hours, (if I don't have more time to devote than that) every day, six days a week, strengthening and stretching muscles, and even training myself to breathe differently.

Sometimes I don't like it very much. Recently I told my teacher about this subconscious trick I had taught myself, where every time I finished an excercise, I told myself, "Oh sweet, I get a little break!" When I got a water break, when it was time to stretch, when I had a moment to listen to correction, all of these came as exciting things because they were all "little breaks."

My teacher, a little amused and very confused asked, "If you get through the entire class by telling yourself that you are having a break...why do you even put yourself through it?"

It did seem a little odd, when I thought about it that way. The truth though, was that I love ballet. Sometimes I go through periods of time when I don't like it very much, but I know that these times pass. When I don't feel like exerting myself, it is discipline, as a result of passion, that keeps me working at it, and when I come to remember why I loved it, I am better able to do it because I kept going in spite of myself.

To jump topics just for a minute, the weather here in southern Ontario has been pretty awful since yesterday, and this morning our church service was actually cancelled.

I slept in, had a nice relaxed morning, but then I was thinking about what to do with my day, and the idea that I could just spend it with Jesus wouldn't leave my mind.

The problem was... Spending the day with Jesus is awesome, but it does take work. It takes discipline. Because it means reading the bible and actively thinking about what you've read. It means praying, even if you don't feel like He is listening, or if you can't keep your attention focused. It means when you feel like you should move onto something else because you've been "spending time with Jesus," for a while already, not moving on. It means staying. "Abiding in the Vine," if you will, even when you feel like you're being pulled off of it.

I just didn't know if I was ready for that kind of work.

I'm just going to take a moment to say, I am so glad I don't have a reputation to uphold! Sometimes I don't want to be honest about the things that I think because I look like a bad Christian, but isn't it a relief that we are all bad Christians? That the status "Christian," actually is NOT dependant on us, but 100% dependant on God? I don't have to be fake with Jesus, because for my failures He was willing to die, which means I don't have to be fake with you, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Anyway, so as I struggled with that this morning, my sister came downstairs with her laptop, ready to watch the livestream of our church service, which the pastor and his family did from their living room.

Thank the Lord also for sisters! Here's the thing. (I know I'm all over the place today, forgive me) God did such a good job in creating community. He really knew what He meant when He said it was not good for Adam to be alone, it is not good for any of us to be alone, as we find out very quickly when we are.

Left to my own devices this morning, I probably would be watching Youtube videos and/or sleeping right now, but I was not. Just the sheer accountability of having my sister there, willing to enter into the spirit of worship and submission to God's authority with me, made me enter in as well.

I wrestled a little bit more with thoughts of what to spend time on after the video, and found myself saying, "I don't feel like working at it, I don't feel like a good disciple, I don't feel..."

And suddenly I remembered that when I don't feel like dancing, I go to the barre and I push through. When I am having an off day and I feel like I've lost progress, I push through. Sometimes I give myself some grace, I recognize that it's an off day, but I also recognize that effort must be put in if off days are going to produce better days.

It's the same principle in my spiritual life. It's an off day. That doesn't mean I don't have to work. The work may not seem to produce anything today, but it certainly won't produce anything tomorrow if I don't do it.

If you're in a similar boat today then I hope you join me as I plan to read, I plan to pray, and I plan to accept without reservation the grace that God gives me for the struggle.